Two Years Later...

A lot has happened since I last posted... if anyone still is paying attention.

Soon after my last post, I was hospitalized for 3 days with chest pains (thank God I had grad student insurance). Turns out I have a minor heart defect - not life-threatening, but enough to get my attention.

Long story short: I did not go to NYC to find an academic job. I did not get any interviews from the applications I sent out. And I did not try again. The following February, I gave a paper at a conference in Big Southwest City, & from there went to Mountainville, where I had lived once before. I told a couple of friends who still lived there I wouldn't mind coming beack & to let me know if they heard of any jobs.

About a month later, I got an email from Mountainville, with the subjectline: A Job for You. I was hired to administrate an avante garde theater company over internet & phone. I moved to Mountainville 2 weeks after getting my ph.D.

Soon after that, I got the opportunity to adjunct at the lovely College of Mountainville. A few months after that, I met the man of my dreams, Ram, at a conference & after some false starts & stops, we fell head over heels in love & he moved into my tiny Mountainville apartment.

So, I am not really pursuing academe, but it does appear that academe is pursuing me now that I have given up on it. I have been invited to teach again in the fall. One part of me wants to try to exploit this to leverage myself into a tenure track job, but another part of me doesn't want to be tied down. I enjoy teaching immensely, but I don't enjoy the academic political grind. This was what ended me up in the hospital for 3 days - this divided heart over my future. Right now I am kind of in a holding pattern until I figure out what I want to do next, but I can't maintain this for too much longer - my astronomical student loan payments can only be deferred for lack of income for so long. And I am woefully underpaid for my level of education & skills.

I am going to have to make a real decision soon.

But at least I've now remembered my username & password, so maybe I won't be such a stranger.

To Market, To Market

The October issue of "Jobs for Philosophers" was put out online yesterday. Not wanting to wait for my paper copy to come via snail mail, I downloaded the sections I felt relevent & have pinpointed 19 jobs to apply for. I am using 2 criteria in selecting which jobs to apply to: 1) Jobs I feel I am well qualified for; and 2) Places I would be willing to live. I have heard too many horror stories of folks ending up in B-F, North Dakota...

But my dossier is almost complete - I spent most of the night typing up sample syllabi & handouts & tweaking my CV. My weakest link is a total lack of publications. In my department, I was actively discouraged from publishing & submitting to conferences. I did so anyway, but nothing ever went anywhere & I never put a lot of effort into it. We were admonished to focus on our studies. Now, the dept has changed its tact & is telling new grad students right off the boat to start submitting.... great....

But in my favor, I do have the added benefit of being female in the least integrated of all the humanities. Here at Flatlands, I was often the only female in a classroom of 20 grad students & this dept has had a history of running off female grad students. It's getting better now, but the graduation rate of female Ph.D. students from my dept is something like 5%. The other 3 grads going on the market with this fall are all males. I only managed to hang on because I'm either stubborn or too stupid to leave - I used to say that I was guilty of 'philosophizing while being female' (very similar to 'driving while being black' in some parts of the country). Departments are now making conscious efforts to hire women & minorities. I was surprised at how many listings had special notices encouraging "qualified women and minorities" to apply. This is on top of the usual EOE/AA blurb that is all the rage. If I was black or asian, I'd have it made! Even my own dept is now taking a real interest in my placement, now that they see that I am bound & determined to finish, despite all obstacles & distractions.

The horrifying part is that my dream job was listed. I would love to end up at this school - I intend to apply to it & hope that the Stanford & Oxford faculty there will find my Flatlands University state education charming enough to want to interview me...

Which brings me to another issue that I have been munching on of late: Imposter Syndrome. Until a few days ago, I didn't know such a thing existed, yet I am a prime example of it! Imposter Syndrome is when qualified & otherwise intelligent individuals feel that somehow they are frauds & have managed to fool the authorities or slip through the cracks, and are in constant fear of being exposed as incompetent. Female graduate students apparently excel in this lovely little neurosis. I have been feeling this way the closer I get to going on the job market, but didn't know it had a name, much less a whole school of thought about it. I'm not sure how to get rid of the feeling that I'm just BS-ing my way through, but just knowing that I'm not the only person to feel this way is a help.

Back?

Now that my attention has been drawn back to this poor neglected blog, I feel compelled to write....

A lot has happened since I posted in June, not the least of which is the writing of the majority of my dissertation. I now have written 5 of 6 chapters and am preparing to go on the job market this fall. I've already purchased my plane tickets for the big philosophy conference in NYC in December, where, I am assured, job interviews are likely to occur. YIKES!

Another event that took place recently was the death of my old laptop & the purchase & inaugration of my sexy new smokin' laptop, which makes my old one seem small, slow & stupid. That is actually one of the reasons I so neglected my blog, as I never got around to adding it to my bookmark list until now, & that is only because I got annoyed by the volume of spam that suddenly appeared. But I soon discovered that I can't figure out how to delete the unwanted spam-comments. And then I got sucked in....

More stuff that happened recently - I went to CA, supposedly to visit a "dying" friend for a great misadventure. I actually wrote the whole thing up as a story, as so many of my friends said that the story was publishable. But it turns out that the so-called friend had only enticed me up there with the intention of getting me to marry him so that I could become his live-in nurse. The whole thing is utter bs & a waste of time. Maybe I'll post the story sometime, but it's awfully long - 12 pages!

My life is such an adventure.

NO MORE SPAM

My attention was abruptly brought back to my poor neglected blog by a rash of spam comments... ggrrrrrrr! I am still considering whether or not to block all future comments to avoid spamming. Not that any spammers give a shit, but if I receive many more, I will delete this blog & eliminate the problem.

Spamming is bad karma & spammers will reincarnate in their next life as pond scum (as if they are not already such!).

Slack

I haven't posted in a long time.... I don't know if anyone gives a shit anymore. I don't think I do much.

School is out & I am enjoying slack. It is good. Very good.

There is other stuff, but I don't want to mar the vibe by dredging it all up.

Maybe I'll be more talkative in the future, but for now, it is sufficient that I still exist.

The Ides of March

Well, it's spring break & so far, I have accomplished a great deal of nothing, of which I am quite proud. Yesterday I went & got my hair highlighted. That was kinda a big deal for me, as I rarely do anything with my hair - not even cut it. I've only dyed my hair once over 20 years ago. Call it a midlife crisis or a wild hair. Anyway, I did it & I think I'm glad, though now I wish I had been a bit bolder - but I was so freaked out by the idea I was a bit timid. So far, the only people who have seen it are my parents, who loved it & a former student who is now a friend & didn't appear to notice (I said nothing about it & neither did he).

Tomorrow, I am getting a massage. Tee-hee. I'm really looking forward to that!
Today I am avoiding doing the laundry. I have about 5 loads worth waiting in the living room to be whisked away to the laundromat. But Star Trek: the Next Generation is on & I'm still in my jammies. But I am going to have to start moving soon, as I am getting hungry...

Dodging Bullets

Well, there were no pitched battles today.

I met with FHG - I owned my shit, she owned her shit, we discussed the problems & how to avoid it in the future & we hugged. So that is a big relief, since I have to work with her the rest of the semester & don't want to hate my job. She really is a great teacher, she just is disorganized & selfish (fairly standard prof stuff), & I was already stressed out & selfish, so I over-reacted. We're better now.

BUT there is still turbulance ahead. There is this one individual who likes to stir up trouble. I found out today that this individual has had it in for me for 3 years, but was an adept enough actor that I never suspected the degree that others had been defending my honor & protecting me. This individual apparently harbors great resentment towards me, as I am embodying the life they wish to have, but to my face, they were my friend.

It really bothers me that others have needed to defend me for so long unbeknownst to me. I had no idea I was such a point of contention. In some ways, I guess it is flattering that this individual would be so threatened by me & spend such energy attacking me behind my back, as well as the efforts of my proponents on my behalf. But, at the same time, I can't help but wonder how I could have missed the clues for so long. I knew this individual had issues, but I never copped to the depth of their negative fixation on me. I never knowingly hurt this person, but reports tell me that I have deeply offended them because I voiced an opinion in support of something they themself (? - trying to be gender neutral as local friends do sometimes read) said. Anyway, this person took what I said out of context, twisted it & has been attacking me for it for months behind my back. Never once did this person give me any sign that they were unhappy with my comment or that it could be a problem.

Although this is still not out in the open, I am glad that I am now aware of all this. It's just more academic political bullshit & petty feifdoms - nothing exotic or unusual, but it is still toxic. Now that I know, I can avoid unwittingly participating in it.

I'm still buried under grading, but Friday is the start of spring break. I've just got to get through Thursday...

Sword of Damocles

Well, the shit hits the fan tomorrow. I just heard that some of it hit the fan today, but I wasn't there to get any on me. But tomorrow, I shan't be so lucky - especially since I apparantly am the reason behind the flying shit.

Last week, I wrote a whiny post complaining about the other prof I graded for & how I ended up crying in the head of the program's office over her fuck-ups & unprofessionalism. Well, tomorrow I face her for the first time & I've heard that she can be unpleasant. I heard that it was this kind of unprofessionalism that got her denied tenure in her original dept, hence her adjuncting in my program.

But I also have heard that I was the reason for a brawl in the program's staff meeting - I don't know why. All I know is that I have been advised to completely avoid a certain individual tomorrow. Yikes! What did I do? I don't even know what this is about & won't until tomorrow. Lucky me. I don't know if this is a real problem or simply an exaggeration from my source. Guess I won't know 'til I get there!

But....

I have decided to make some changes. Next week is spring break & I have plans to get a new 'do & a new attitude (treating myself to a much-needed massage from a highly recommended therapist).

This is, if I make it through the halocaust tomorrow....

We who are about to die salute you!

GA Purgatory

I had posted a nasty entry complaining about the demands & fuck-ups of the Harvard graduate I am GAing for (NOT BSage), but I thought I was over-reacting & deleted it. Now I wish I hadn't, because I've got a lot more to add to it!

Since then, I have discovered that this prof, I'll call her FHG (for 'Fair-Haired Girl'), has a rep for abusing the help. But she is also the darling of the head of the program, who's office I ended up in on Tuesday in tears (something I have never done in 6 years of GAing). Why, you ask?

Well, it wasn't any one incident, although there was 1 that broke the camel's back, but rather it was the accumulation of many incidents. FHG is out of the country this week, teaching an accelerated course in Europe. She asked me to cover Monday of her other class. Although the RELS dept was having the biggest event of the school year Monday & Tuesday nights & I was involved, I agreed to cover the class I GA for & her other class on Monday class, in which I was to show a video. When I picked up the stuff she left for me from the other program office that she adjuncts for, I noticed sign-in sheets for Wednesday & Friday. When I got to class, I found out from them that FHG had told them I was going to fill in all week, but she hadn't told me. Just like she didn't talk to me before she announced to the class that I was going to have additional office hours. She also neglected to post the midterm study guide, so 3 students had to take the midterm without it. There had been a small scuffle over the midterm, as she waited until the night before leaving to email it to me & my computer is old & couldn't open it, but we got that figured out.

But what really blew my fuse was that she had given me the wrong book to make copies out of to hand out for next week's assignment. I called her husband, another prof, because she had left me a note saying to call him if I needed any troubleshooting. His response was to get the other program to let me into her office & to dig through her books until I found it. But I did not have a title or an author, only chapter titles & authors, and I am totally unfamiliar with the field of women's studies, so I wouldn't even know where to begin. Hubby's snotty response drove me to tears. My pattern has always been to just suck it up & carry on, but this seemed to cross the line. I had been up all night as a result of the RELS event & it's aftereffects & I had had all I could stand. I realized that this was not really my problem - the problem properly belongs to the head of RELS. So, I went to his office & had a full-fledged meltdown, something I have never done, even when the head of the philo dept told me to my face that he didn't think I belonged in the phd program & that he was going to try to keep me out.

Anyway, the head of RELS was more responsive than I expected. He figured out how to get a hold of FHG in Europe to find out what to do & he is going to cover the class tomorrow, so I can grade the ever-increasing stacks of papers collecting on my desk.

Well... little did I realize that there was already an on-going thing about FHG - the RELS secretary & BSage have both been burned by her & tell me this is similar to how she has treated them - like endentured servants. They are both trying to make the head of RELS aware of this & want me to join in the fun. Oh boy - an invitation to play academic politics. Where's my spoon? Yet, I can't let FHG go on screwing students & 'underlings' without saying a word. I have never had a professor act so outrageously and unprofessionally. As a basic matter of human courtesy, you do not volunteer another person's time publicly without consulting them first. Anyways, she pissed me off.

In other news, I met with my committee chair, Poobah, yesterday. He is pleased with my progress on the diss, but went on avout how my writing style isn't really academic philosophy. He said I definitely have my own voice. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. He told me that one of my committee members is retiring in June. Great. And he, himself is still looking for other deanness elsewhere. So, I'd better fucking hurry up & finish.

BUT... I did find out today that I WILL have a job in the fall with RELS - BSage went to bat for me (she's so wonderful!). So that is a huge relief!! I've been hoarding money, with the intention of not working as long as possible & then getting some bullshit job to pay the bills while I finish up in the fall. But, with all the upsetment the last few days, I went out & splurged & bought all 6 seasons of 'Sex & the City' on dvd to try to compensate & distract myself. I felt really bad & indulgent for spending so much on such frivolousness, but now that I know I will have $$$ in the fall, I don't feel so bad.

So I guess it's all a mixed bag - good progress on the diss & financial fronts, but I don't think I'm out of the minefield yet. The shit is going to hit the fan when FHG gets back next week, but I have never been so pissed at a prof & I've GAed for some pretty arrogant assholes (you just can't beat the field of philosophy for the highest concentration of arrogant assholes!).

Lack of Fellowship

Well... I got a very professional rejection letter from the fellowship I applied for. It was a longshot - I seem to be seriously out of step with the currents of my field. Either I'm ahead of my time or else I'm a lunatic. I am still waiting to hear back from the journal I submitted an article to, but I have no hope of a better response there, as the article is more of the same stuff that the fellowship wasn't interested in. More & more, I am seeing the fractures & not the whole of academic philosophy. It's really weird - I put my stuff out there in the academic world & they yawn. I put almost the exact same thing out to the general public (minus the jargon) & they eat it up & ask for more. Obviously, I should be working with the general public & not with academe - the only rub is that I haven't figured out how to make working with the public pay. All the talks I do now are gratis & I don't have any gimmicks or credentials that anyone would pay for.... so far.....

One idea I've kinda been kicking around is submitting articles to magazines that might be interested in my research. I think I'll do that especially if the journal doesn't publish my article. I'll take it & de-academize it & submit it to some mags & see what happens. That won't help me get a tenure-track job, but what the hell? I wasn't really considering it until I got today's rejection letter. Maybe this is a knee-jerk reaction to rejection, but it seems to me that if none of what what my profs tell me is excellent work (and I agree with them) is of interest to the countless conferences and 3 fellowships I have applied for over the years, then I can expect more of the same treatment on the job market. I mean, my advisor tells me I'm one of his best grad students ever & my work is ground-breaking. 2Sage says so, too. But the rest of the philosophic biosphere seems to have no place for it. Hmmm...

So, even though I never really expected to get the fellowship, I thought I would at least make the 1st cut. Obviously, I was wrong - I was informed not to expect to hear until late March. I'm more bummed than I thought i would be. I guess I had gotten kinda attached to the idea of not working for the next year....
* heavy sigh *

It's My First Time, So Be Gentle

I've never done one of these list thingies, but I saw this on a RL colleague's blog & was in a whimsical mood...

1. What time did you get up this morning? 7:55 am 2 fuzzy mugs got in my face & started purring. Feeding time at the zoo...
2. Diamonds or pearls? I don't care for either. I like opals & amber
3. What was the last film you saw at the movies? Bridget Jones' sequel
4. What is your favorite TV show? As if you needed to ask - Star Trek, of course! In all of it's variations & permutations. I'm also quite fond of the new Battlestar Galactica remake they've been doing over on the Sci-Fi channel
5. What did you have for breakfast? Breakfast? We don't need no stinkin' breakfast!!
6. What is your middle name? Don't got one. Thereby hangs a tale - my mom was given a family middle name that she loathes, so neither my sister nor I have middle names. When I was married, I used my maiden surname as my middle name, but now I'm back to zip.
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Mexican and east Indian
8. What foods do you dislike? Thai food - I'm allergic to almost everything they eat!
9. What is your favorite chip flavor? Pretzels
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Best of George Harrison
11. What type of car do you drive? a black '87 Honda Civic 2 door with the cool flip-up headlights. I call it my Darth Vader-mobile.
12. Favorite sandwich? Subway's Veggie pattie on wheat, toasted
13. What characteristic do you despise? meaninglessness, both in people and in objects
14. Favorite item of clothing? My hot pink batik slacks with celtic knotwork that I got in Glastonbury, UK
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you
go? India
16. What color is your bathroom? White (dull & tiny)
17. Favorite brand of clothing? Clothing has brands? I just go by whatever I like & can afford
18. Where would you retire to? the drawing room, dahlings.
19. Favorite time of the day? Sunset - I've got a thing for Pink Skies
20. What was your most memorable birthday? When I woke up on my 5th birthday, I found a sign pointing me to the hall. There I found a clue that led me to the living room. In the living room, I found the whole grand piano covered in presents & a shiny blue kid-sized car in front. I was in kiddie bliss!
21. Where were you born? Can't say - Anonymnity endangered, as I still live there
22. Favorite sport to watch? Politics
23. What fabric detergent do you use? Arm & Hammer Baking Soda laundry stuff
24. Coke or Pepsi? Eeeeeeeww! Neither!! I'm a Dr. Pepper girl, thank you very much!!
25. Are you a morning person or a night owl? night owl - when the sun goes down, my eyes light up!
26. What is your shoe size? 7 1/2
27. Do you have any pets? 2 cats. Most nights they let me sleep in their bed.
28. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your online family &
friends? Not really.... er... the gall bladder flush was a success, despite the fact that I didn't have a clue what I was doing...?
29. What did you want to be when you were little? Houdini - I used to pester my big sis to get her to tie me up so I could escape
30. When is your Birthday? October 27 - Daylight Savings Time usually ends right about my birthday & I often get an extra hour for my birthday present.